My Nightmares
by Mallaithe
Summary: Shepard tries to sleep in her cell in Vancouver days before the Reaper attack.
1. History

**A/N Takes place shortly before the end of Never Too Late, same 'verse etc. **

Nightmares were part of Shepard's life. Even before enlisting it had been a rare night when she didn't dream vividly and her nightmares seemed more frequent other people's. Still, defeating Saren and realizing the real threat of the Reapers had provided more than ample nightmare fuel for her active nocturnal mind.

But these were…different.

Her dreams had always been linear, self-contained stories that may have been mad in the standard lunacy of normal dreams but were consistent and almost never repeated…but not these. After surviving Mindoir her dreams had almost all been nightmares, but she had been fostered and treated for the mental and physical trauma she had survived. So she knew her nightmares intimately, had held them close since she was sixteen.

These dreams were surreal, she always knew it was a dream when it was happening but was helpless to enact changes. Things had gotten bad again after the Skyllian Blitz, had, if she were honest, been rough until then as well.

She would never admit it but sometimes she wondered if her near-suicide to save the colony had been encouraged by a desire to end the nightmares and serve the Alliance in one fell swoop.

Not that it mattered, she hadn't died, in fact she'd become a hero and saved human and batarian lives.

"Goody." She sighed and rolled on to her side.

The cell was nice really all things considered. It was actually slightly larger than her usual billet the handful of times she had been needed in Vancouver for paperwork or promotions. James was good company, loyal and upbeat. She had read the reports on his previous combat actions and was confident he would have her back if needed.

But it was still a cell and he was still a guard. Whether he was her body guard or her prison guard was immaterial.

For the thousandth or more time she wondered about Kaidan, what he was doing, if he was okay, if he was still with his Citadel doctor. She had almost moved on herself, gods knew there were plenty of willing and sympathetic offers and overtures. Thane had intrigued and moved her but she couldn't fathom the cruelty of helping him to love her knowing he was going to die even if the rest of the crew and the Normandy survived.

And in the end it didn't matter because Kaidan was still out there and until she knew for certain he wasn't her heart was his, whether he wanted it or not. Hell, whether she wanted it or not.

Her thoughts drifted back to dreams again.

At first her nightmares had been based on the batarian slaver attack that had wiped out Mindoir and ended her childhood. The blood and chaos, the chains and stun darts. The reek of fresh human blood, burning prefabs, piss and shit and death.

Then the nightmares had morphed and she was a child during the Skyllian Blitz and her soldiers were dying around her, their corpses blocking out the sun. Nowadays there was a steady rotation of the old favorites plus fun new additions like Saren, Harbinger, Sovereign, husks, Heretic Geth, Ashley Williams' accusing glare and dying screams…

Ashley. Her greatest failure. Ash had been loyal, fierce, smart and open to change. There was a dark current of xenophobia among a lot of the Alliance, personnel who had enlisted or been commissioned with the idea of killing aliens not defending humanity. They were two very different goals in Shepard's mind.

To Ash's credit her whole family had just cause to bear a grudge toward the Turians and the Alliance. She was some kind of stubborn to buck the brass and her father's own experience in the Alliance Navy and enlist. She had busted her ass to prove herself time and again only to be awarded with dead end back water assignments.

"The Williams name can shine again." Shepard sighed sadly.

It had been Shepard's call in the end. She would always wonder if she had really chosen to save Kaidan because he was the best choice or because she loved him. Had she murdered Williams to save Alenko and traded her soul in the bargain?

And then… Aratoht.

She didn't hate Batarians as a species that was too impersonal. Everything she had known and loved had been snuffed out by batarian slavers but she had known decent batarians as well as evil ones. Just like humans and every other sentient species she had worked and fought with or against. Her ability to see the batarians who had murdered her colony as individuals and not symptoms of batarian culture or politics – though an argument could be made that they were – had helped Ash to see her way to trusting Garrus and the other non-human Normandy crew members.

"For whatever good it did." Shepard sighed.

Aratoht. She would stand trial for it eventually, unless the Reapers came first. But in the meantime she had caused the deaths of more than 300,000 batarians and their slaves. The pro-batarian media outlets were claiming she was a rogue Spectre working for a pro-human terrorist group and exacting revenge for Mindoir. The pro-human pro-Alliance outlets were claiming Shepard had been trying to stop the attack but failed. The pro-human anti-Council outlets were accusing the Council of ordering Shepard on the mission knowing she was the perfect scapegoat. There were so many angles and so much spin that she half-wondered at her motives herself from time to time.

One of her first commanders had told her that a good leader doubts their decisions before, during, and after the consequences, an obnoxious truism. Still, in her case at least it had been true.

Her lids were growing heavy and she could no longer prevent sleep, and the nightmares it would bring….


	2. Prison Time is Slow Time

The world, such as it was burned. The death reek familiar from that terrible day and night when Mindoir fell filled the air. Smoke and ash blinded her. She stumbled forward, the metallic taste of blood and fear filling her mouth, her shoulder and back aching from carrying the stolen rifle for hours while she searched for other survivors and dodged slaver patrols intent on rounding up surviving human chattel.

She stumbled and landed hard on one knee, the new ache of the injury joining the dull symphony of discomfort cascading through her skinny adolescent frame.

But, no, she wasn't an adolescent. She looked down, she was an adult, wearing hard earn N7 armor and armed with her trusty Avenger assault rifle. She looked to her right and left and spotted the dim silhouettes of similarly equipped humanoids.

Her squad? Where were they?

"Commander should we call the mission? We haven't seen any sign of survivors." Garrus Vakarian's voice crackled in her ear.

"Commander we don't know for sure there isn't someone still hiding here, if we leave now they could die from exposure or starvation. The batarians haven't left any supplies or equipment behind." Kaidan Alenko countered.

"Kaidan?"

"I'm here Shepard."

And he was, impossibly and immediately, _it's a dream Kaidan despises you and you're locked in a cell for murdering batarian civilians _His easy smile filling her visor as he put a hand on her armored shoulder.

"We should keep searching Commander, until we're sure, there's only a few more prefabs marked on the nav map."

"Right, Garrus you heard the man let's do this right, be sharp, visibility is nil in this smoke."

"What smoke?" Garrus asked.

"The-" They were standing in the Citadel tower, the Council complete with Udina stood before them. She wore her Alliance dress uniform and the asari ambassador was pinning a medal on Shepard's chest.

"Shep, keep it together, this is being recorded." Garrus growled under his breath somehow managing to barely move his mandibles.

"Commander Shepard." The asari ambassador said and the few dozen beings scattered among the various vantage points cheered and clapped. Except for one, a batarian. Shepard watched as he raised his arm revealing a small pistol. She lunged away from the ambassador fearing the innocent politician would be caught in the assassination attempt and injured.

Her movement caught Garrus and Kaidan off guard she slipped past them as the first shots rang out and missed but her momentum knocked her off the small dais and down to the garden below, the garden that had been destroyed by shrapnel from Sovereign...

"Commander?"

She sat up sharply, sweat beading her face and chest. James Vega stood in her doorway, her breakfast tray in hand.

"Hey James, what time is it?"

"Almost nine, I checked the log and saw you were still out so I figured I'd give you time to sleep in. Guess I maybe shouldn't have huh?" He said and entered the cell far enough to set the tray safely on a flat surface.

"No, you're fine, thanks for breakfast."

"I'll uh be outside."

"Anything on the agenda today?"

"Not that I'm aware of Commander, but who knows?"

"Yeah." She sighed and slowly laid back down.

She wasn't tired anymore, well she was but she wasn't sleepy. So once Vega had cleared the cell she got up and showered, dressed in the rankless work uniform she had been issued upon her incarceration and tried to eat.

The rations weren't the problem, the dreams and her worry were. She felt like a caged cat, pacing back and forth just waiting for a chance to be free. The Reapers were still coming and she was effectively iced. Locked down indefinitely and unable to help in any meaningful way. Anderson did his best and Alliance intel and ops officers made a habit of interviewing her several times a week but it wasn't enough by far.

* * *

"Her mental state sir?"

"Yes lieutenant." Anderson said firmly.

"I'm not an expert sir –"

"You've been in combat, you've also studied the Commander's file, or at least as much as you have access to. In your opinion how is her mental state?"

"I –"

"I'm her friend Lieutenant, her ally, I'm not going to try to hurt her or make things worse."

"Yes sir. She's having nightmares, has been since she was brought in. They seemed okay for the most part but lately she's been sleeping late, losing her routine, and she looks tired all the time just..worn…sir."

"I'll have the medics evaluate her. What about her mood?"

"Mostly optimistic sir, she's worried about the reapers and frustrated but she understands what you're doing, hell, uh heck sir, she uh defends the decision when I get frustrated over it."

"With any luck this won't last much longer. We're in negotiations with the batarians, have been for weeks ideally we'll be able to come to an arrangement that won't require a trial."

"Is that preferable sir? Wouldn't a trial help clear her name?"

"Lieutenant the only way a trial would help her is if it were publicized and the batarians had a say in sentencing. Considering the nature of the event and the highly classified activities involved in it… that's a no-go."

"Right, I guess confirming the Reapers are real and got so close so soon would result in galaxy wide panic."

"Only if they took it seriously Lieutenant, and if they don't, well… there are a lot of short sighted politicians involved that are trying to cover their careers."

Vega's hands curled into fists and his expression turned into a hard smirk.

"Cowards." He spat.

"Maybe, ask yourself this Vega, if you had been briefed about the reapers without solid evidence to back it up would you believe it? I'm sure you'd follow your orders and get the job done but would you believe the reason for them? Sure the politicians are scrambling to look good, they always do but they also have a point this time."

Vega spotted Kaidan Alenko's name on the data pad on Anderson's desk.

"Sharp eyes lieutenant. You saw him on your way in?" Anderson asked following Vega's line of sight.

"Yes sir."

"Major Alenko is as concerned about Shepard as either of us. Escort her to the medics if she's eaten, we can't afford to let her languish in prison, we need her ready when the Reapers finally do arrive."

"Yes sir."


	3. Crises of Choice

Shepard was cleared by medical and prescribed a mild sedative. When she returned to her quarters Anderson had provided a datapad with new reports of Reaper activity or suspected activity to review. Vega made himself scarce hoping to chat up one of the civilian researchers assisting Anderson's team.

Then Shepard noticed the pace and attitude of the personnel passing her cell change. No one moved with the casual intensity of a normal workday, suddenly almost everyone was moving at a fast walk and some were even jogging.

Then Vega was at her cell door and the Reaper countdown zeroed out for good.

Shepard watched Anderson until the Normandy's cargo door sealed shut with a terrible finality. She looked up but Kaidan was gone. Unwilling to waste time she went straight to work, managed to shut James up and get him his head in the game then focused on checking her gear and suiting up. It wasn't a long flight to Mars.

As soon as they hit dirt and engaged the murderous Cerberus troops left on the surface by the main force Kaidan's suspicions rose up. She clenched her teeth and kept her cool, let James defend her while she focused on their mission. Then they were stuck in the elevator and she'd had enough.

"Kaidan, I'm still me, I've always been me even back on Horizon, I'm tired of defending myself. You had valid reasons to be suspicious but I've been medically and psychologically cleared by the Alliance's best. You may not consider me a friend anymore, hell I don't know if you even trust me, but I am your commanding officer." She said softly Vega looked away from them. Being a good soldier and staying alert or embarrassed by the conversation she couldn't tell.

"I…I'm sorry Shepard, I have your back." Kaidan said hoarsely.

"I've never doubted that Kaidan. Come on let's kick Cerberus off Mars." She said and put a hand on his armored shoulder and allowed herself to smile. Kaidan didn't relax but he looked less angry and susipicious.

_Good enough_. She thought and refocused on the task at hand.

* * *

"Stop her!" Shepard shouted as the traitorous Cerberus agent took off like a bat out of hell.

"On it Commander!" Kaidan snarled and opened fire.

"Commander I do not believe she is a real human." Liara said grimly as she tried to use her biotics to bring the agent down.

Shepard took careful aim and unloaded a full thermal clip into the fleeing figure, watching it's kinetic barrier drop but it kept moving at that inhuman pace hardly slowling down.

"Agreed, Vega?" She called over her comm channel as she raced after the Cerberus plant.

"I'm here Commander."

"Cerberus had a mole in the facility, she'll be exiting ahead of us stop her she has the data we need."

"I'm on it Commander." Vega said and broke contact.

Shepard kept firing whenever she could land a few shots and nearly caught up with the agent at the base of a ladder only to lose her again when they reached the surface. The site of a Cerberus shuttle coming in for retrieval sent a hot sharp jolt of adrenaline and rage crashing through her, she dropped to one knee and opened fire again, no effect. Desperate she tried to radio for assistance through the storm, if they lost that data that was one thing but losing it only for Cerberus to steal it was unacceptable under any circumstances.

Then Vega's voice broke through the interference and all hell broke lose, the Normandy's shuttle crashed into the Cerberus shuttle driving the enemy craft to the ground, throwing it's doors open and igniting a fire in its interior.

Kaidan helped Liara to her feet as Vega landed his damaged but functional shuttle. Only for the monstrous Cerberus agent to emerge from the downed shuttle, it was metallic synthetic life form. Kaidan released Liara and opened fire on the thing only to be overpowered and battered like a rag doll on the goddamned Illusive Man's orders.

They got him on board along with the monstrosity that had beaten him to the edge of death.

"Kaidan needs medical attention; we have to leave the Sol system.

"I know." Shepard had agreed though it tore at her.

"The Citadel is our best chance, we can find help there." Liara insisted, not unkindly. So Shepard gave the orders and tried not to see Kaidan's unfocused gaze, his broken face and hitched pained breathing for what it was, his body giving up.

"Hold on Kaidan." She hissed and ordered Liara to work, focused on replying to and updating Admiral Hacket, anything to leave that room and actually _do_ something…anything.

* * *

Their arrival at the Citadel was surreal. Clearing customs, being met by Commander not Captain Bailey and given the VIP treatment… all the while being chewed at remembering the child wiped out during their escape, Anderson's stern familiar features being cut off by the Normandy's cargo doors, Kaidan's decision to save Liara, the Illusive Man's cold directions to dispose of Kaidan….and Kaidan's broken dying body, sightless eyes fixed on something unknowable…

Vega had the sense to busy himself elsewhere while Liara excused herself to meet with Udina.

Shepard reminded herself that the personnel staffing Huerta Memorial Hospital were the best on the Citadel but it was _Kaidan_ lying on that stretcher. She had lost people under her command before, had chosen to lose Williams, would lose many many more before the Reapers were stopped but Kaidan…

"He's no different." She whispered fiercely to herself. She would head to the Council chamber and do what she could as soon as she could. But she found her hand selecting Huerta Memorial as the destination, frowning she decided to follow the instinct, if she couldn't ignore her feelings she would have to deal with them and move on.

To her shock she found Dr. Chakwas and Dr. Michele in the waiting area.

"Chakwas?"

"Commander, I heard about Major Alenko."

"How is he?

"Stable for now."

And from there it was all memories and relief and a brief moment of joy when Chakwas agreed to return to the Normandy. She picked up medical supplies and gossip, tried to look in on Kaidan only to be rebuffed by ferocious medical staff and finally, reluctantly got her ass back to work and up to the Council Chamber.

She couldn't afford to ignore or delay responding to the Reapers for one person, even if that one was Kaidan. The time for hard choices, _harder_ choices had finally arrived, she had to use her head and her heart and act for the good of the galaxy, not just her own species let alone her own heart and instincts.

The next time she saw him he was sleeping. The injuries to his face and body purple and hideous though the swelling had lessened and his prognosis had improved, his breathing was regular and strong but…still.

She pleaded with him to live, to stay strong because he was needed…by her, by the galaxy. _ But mostly by me Kaidan._ She thought and felt tears sting her eyes. So much death, the few reports coming out of Earth were increasingly grim. The Reapers had increased their stranglehold and nearly succeeded in entirely wiping out the Batarians. Fact was they were losing, if she couldn't forge an impossible alliance among the asari, salarian, krogan, and turian forces the war was as good as lost. Even with volus and elcor support their only option would be to hope to delay the Reapers long enough to find out enough about the crucible and catalyst that they could leave a better warning for the next cycle than the Protheans had left for them.

Then Kaidan was awake and that was wonderful but all she could think of was her last real words to him, not the orders snapped out in combat but demanding he obey her as his commanding officer, all but accusing him of not trusting her.

So she came in slow, made it easy, gave him a gift of Pervuian Whiskey and got caught up on his career.

"How do we get past Horizon?" She asked softly.

"Shepard I…I read your letter, but not right away. My uh, debrief officer nearly had to order me to do it. I didn't read it until the day Earth fell."

She didn't move, let her gaze slide from his face to the view out his window beyond him then back. He was blushing slightly, clearly embarrassed.

"Oh." She said softly.

"I'm sorry Shepard, after what I said on Mars, after everything. I'm sorry I blew you off on Horizon and was so hard on you on Mars. I had no right to distrust you I just…you knew Corporal Toombs and you worked with Admiral Kahoku directly to find out what happened to his men. Together we brought down Cerberus' illegal experiments. I just, I couldn't understand how you could choose to work with them. The only thing that made sense to me was that they had modified you somehow, brainwashed you or figured out some way to co-opt your loyalty."

"That's not a bad theory Kaidan I understand your feelings, it was stupid to think you would be able to accept my choice."

"I have, now. I… I read your reports on the human reaper."

"We didn't know if the colonists were being killed when we met on Horizon Kaidan –"

"Let me finish Shepard. I didn't understand how you could make that call, sacrifice your name and reputation on the off chance you could do the impossible and save the colonists by stopping the Collectors…until I had a command of my own."

She looked back at him, earnest bruised face searching her's for any sign he was getting through.

"I get it now, or at least I can see how it happened. I don't know if I agree with it and I can't say if I would have done the same but you're right. You were cleared by the Alliance and hell, even Lieutenant Vega trusted you more than I did on Mars. I can't apologize enough for tha t-"

"Kaidan, stop. I don't want you to apologize, your principles are part of what makes you the man I … they're you. I'm glad you can see things clearer now and I'm sorry about Horizon but you're not perfect, neither am I. I wake up in the night sometimes and wonder if there was some way that I could have turned on Cerberus and the Illusive Man sooner, something other than destroying the Collector base and turning the SR-2 over to the Normandy. I wonder if I helped him gain the power and technology necessary to corrupt his troops and delude himself into thinking the Reapers can be controlled. I have to live with knowing I may have helped him commit atrocities on Benning and other worlds. That's the price I have to pay and I can live with that but don't second guess yourself Kaidan not on this."

"So that's it? Just let it be?"

"Why not?"

"I…want us to be friends again Shepard and maybe… I don't know. Look I just want you to know that I still care about you and I'm not seeing anyone – we may never be anything more than what we are now but…well, I wanted you to know."

She took his hand and smiled.

"I'm glad Kaidan but you have to focus on healing we need you. I need you."

"Aye aye Commander."

Kaidan recovered, went to work finding his squad, was promoted to Spectre then Shepard was racing to the Citadel with her crew intent on saving the Council from a Cerberus mole and all but certain assassination.

* * *

Her armor was stained with Thane's blood and Kaidan was holding a weapon on her. Her heart, what was left of it. What hadn't been eaten away by guilt, fear, despair, rage, betrayal and futility ached. One near-love was dying or dead and here was Kaidan, her steadfast lifeline, looking at her with doubt, _still_.

She lowered her weapon and gestured for her squad to stand down.

"Udina is behind this attack, the salarian counselor has been murdered."

She watched Udina defend himself, felt a sharp jolt of gratitude as the asari counselor sided with her then fell in with Kaidan as Udina was finally exposed by his own cowardice. Udina drew a sidearm and her fingers itched to pull the trigger, to spare Kaidan that irrevocable act.

_Wait_, a voice in her gut whispered, _ wait, this is his call, if you take out Udina he'll never be sure you weren't protecting yourself instead of the surviving counselors_. So she stayed her hand, ready to end Udina should the muzzle shift from the asari counselor to Kaidan.

She didn't need to worry, Kaidan took the shot. Udina had raised Kaidan to Spectre status, had been his benefactor. Kaidan had trusted him and been manipulated by him from day one and now Kaidan had executed a traitor yes, but a traitor Kaidan had sworn to protect. Kaidan was an amazing man but he couldn't handle shades of gray for shit, this would cost him.

He came to her later that same day. She was in her quarters reviewing status reports form Earth and other occupied planets. Trying to find the hope in the data and not let the cloying hopeless despair overwhelm her. She was sitting at her terminal entirely engrossed in her task, so much so she didn't hear the door open.

"Shepard?" He asked shyly.

She sat up sharply and smiled tiredly at him.

"Kaidan, it's good to see you."

"I…I wanted to talk about what happened earlier."

"Good." She said with a sigh and stood to stretch her back.

"I brought this." He said and revealed the Peruvian Whiskey she had brought him as a get well gift

"Special occasion?" She asked wearily but smiled and gestured to the lounge area below her work area. He sat and she retrieved two glasses.

"I just, how did you decide to stand down?"

"I trust your judgment Kaidan. I trusted that we really had gotten past Horizon and I trusted I could get you to see reason. You're a smart guy and you're loyal."

"That's it? You just trusted I wouldn't shoot you?"

"That's what command boils down to, trusting yourself and your squad."

"It's that easy?"

"It sounds easy." She said speculatively and poured their drinks then leaned back in her seat. He carefully sat next to her and picked up his own.

"It's not." He sighed staring into the amber liquor.

"Kaidan, we're different people okay? You hold yourself to an incredibly rigid ideal because you have to you've learned that's the best way to keep other people safe."

"I trust you Shepard, I…I wanted to thank you for trusting me and standing down. I just… when we got back to the Normandy I couldn't stop thinking about what might have happened, what could have happened. I lost you once, I don't know if I could live through losing you again." He said softly and emptied his glass in one gulp.

She set her glass down and took his hand in hers. He was sitting at attention unable to meet her eyes.

"Kaidan, I trust you because I love you and I love you because I know you're an incredible man. You fought to save Ash and didn't argue with my decision. You rise to every challenge you're presented with. You're not afraid to make hard choices that make your life difficult to protect others and serve the Alliance, you're incredibly loyal and brave. That's who you are. I knew that when I ordered the squad to stand down and lower t their weapons. I knew that if we didn't present a threat you would be able to take a few seconds to think things through. You prioritize your duty above your own safety, while we were threatening Udina the only choice you could make was confrontation. At no point was my life ever in danger with you Kaidan." She said softly and squeezed his hand.

"How do you do that Shepard? How do you know people so well?"

She twisted until she was facing him directly.

"I don't know people Kaidan, I know you… I love you."

"I love you too." He said looking up and relaxing finally. He took her hand and held it to his cheek searching her face intently.

"I don't want to lose you Kaidan but the fact is we're all very likely to die in the next few weeks and the galaxy will fall if we're killed before we can find the catalyst."

"It's okay to be afraid Comm-uh Shepard."

"I'm not afraid with you Kaidan." She whispered. He turned his face and pressed a soft firm kiss to her palm.

"Our people are dying Kaidan but we're not dead, not yet." She said softly, her voice low and throaty as a fire built in her gut.

"No, we're not." He agreed and pulled her close, his lips were dry and firm and he tasted of fiery brandy and strawberries. Their hands were eager and sure, years of experience dressing and undressing in the standard combat uniform in all conditions had trained muscle memory better than any sim ever could. In moments she was naked, seconds later he was bare as well.

The slightly cool air of her quarters went unnoticed as he lifted her from the lounge, her strong legs wrapping around his hips as the endless kiss continued, arms wrapping around one another, desperate and hungry.

"Careful you'll trip." She breathed with a laugh as she pulled away from the kiss.

He didn't answer, just laid her on the bed and straddled her.

"You'll catch me." He whispered in her ear and ran his calloused hands over the surprisingly soft skin of her battle scarred body. Thin white lines of scar tissue criss crossed her lower ribs and stomach. He glanced at her a question evident in his eyes.

"Mindoir." She said sitting up and slipping her arms around his neck, pulling him into another kiss.

They were lost in each other, in the warmth and softness of one another the hard muscular plans and valleys, the slick depths and hard lengths of one another. Afterwards she lay in his arms half asleep and for the first time since waking up in Cerberus' hands, content.

"Aratoht." He whispered.

She shivered and twisted in his arms until they were face to face in the darkness.

"What about it?" She asked carefully.

"I'm sorry it had to be you, I'm sorry that you had to make that call Shepard."

She felt tears on her cheeks, then his hand cradling her cheek, one thumb on her chin.

"I love you Shepard, your strength, your determination, your selflessness."

"Three hundred thousand batarians Kaidan, and gods only know how many slaves."

"You bought the entire galaxy, billions of souls, time Shepard. Maybe enough time to stop the Reapers for good, to save Earth."

"I wanted to stand trial."

"I know –"

"No you don't. I wanted to stand trial to be punished Kaidan." She sighed and tried to pull away from him. Even in the halflight of her quarters, lit only by her terminal and the night-dimmed fish tank, she could see enough of his face to see the pain lacing it.

"Punished?"

"I…I don't know if I can do this Kaidan. I sometimes think that … that what I did during the Skyllian Blitz and later at the Omega 4 relay…even Aratoht. It wasn't to save anyone, at least, not only. I…if I had died during the Skyllian Blitz or at the Collector's base…it would be over for me. My war would be done."

"Shepard, that's a natural impulse. It's a miracle you've endured this long –"

"I don't know if I can much longer Kaidan. I barely sleep, I don't taste my food, if I hadn't set my armor's on board comp to remind me to eat and drink I … I barely sleep. I haven't slept a night through since I came back."

"I know Shepard." He whispered and held her, his arms warm and firm against her back, his chest pressed to her breasts and their legs entwined.

"For tonight Shepard, let it go, I love you and I'm not going anywhere. The Normandy and her crew are safe; everything that can possibly be done to help find the catalyst is in progress."

"Gods I missed you." She sighed and leaned her head against his chest, listened to the slow steady thump of his heart. Then another noise joined it, a rough edged melody rising from his chest. He sang to her, something she hadn't heard before. A ballad about two lovers separated by time and an ocean, they survived war and the chaos that followed dangerous trips across ravaged lands and rough seas to find one another again. As the song, beautiful and sad but hopeful filled the cabin she felt the last of the ever-present tension finally leave her body as honest sleep settled over her.


	4. After Thessia

She woke slowly, her body ached, a healthy familiar ache. The way she felt after a hard mission or a long work out. He was gone, his scent lingered and the bed was warm from his body still.

"EDI?"

"Yes Shepard?"

"Kaidan –"

"Is with Joker on the bridge."

"Okay, what's our status?"

"We are entering high orbit of Tuchanka now Commander."

"Good, I'll be on the bridge in ten."

She made it in eight minutes. Still half asleep she hit the armory first shared a friendly nod with Vega and Cortez. Armored up and armed she returned to the bridge, her aching muscles easing into the familiar comforting distributed weight of her armor and equipment. The armor's onboard microprocessors assessing her physical state and streaming the data to Chakwas' main medical system and stabilizing her physical state for optimum combat readiness.

She reached the bridge and caught the tail end of a conversation between Kaidan and Joker.

"I don't care what our reasons were Kaidan and it doesn't matter now, it's done."

"It does matter Joker –"

"Major, with all due respect we have the leaders of the Krogan and Turian armies in the war room, we're doing our best to complete a galaxy saving Hail Mary play. I. Don't. Care."

She cleared her throat to avoid further eavesdropping.

"Huggable moment over Major, Commander on deck." Joker snapped stiffly.

"I need to talk to Wrex and Mordin, you boys going to play nice?" She asked. Kaidan and Joker nodded. She sighed and left to meet with her old friend.

They made progress, billions died or were enslaved, entire planets were glassed and populations converted to monstrous reaper soldiers but they did make progress.

But at such a cost.

Her nightmares changed. After the fall of Earth she had dreamed of the child she had failed to save. Raced through smoke blackened woods filled with oily shades of humanoids, deafened by sibilant whispers, Aratoht's residents, Ashley Williams, her family on Mindoir the faceless and nameless mercs and raiders she had slaughtered through her long bloody career. Saren's mocking voice, Sovereign's laugh.

Then Mordin died to free the Krogan and his voice joined theirs.

She woke with tears and sweat painting her face. Kaidan's arms around her. Until one night she woke to his groan of pain. He had tried to restrain her, her N7 training and battle reflexes had kicked in heightened by panicked adrenaline and she had half throttled him before he hit her with a biotic blast strong enough to break her grip and wake her up.

"Oh my gods Kaidan." She croaked and rushed to him. He held up a hand and she dragged him to his feet.

"This can't go on Kaidan." She gasped. He didn't argue, only pulled her close and held her. Their ragged breathing rates first matched one another then slowed in unison.

"We're going to win Shep. It's going to cost us but we're going to win. Thessia is the final piece Shep we can do this."

"You can't stay with me anymore Kaidan, one of these nights I'm going to kill you –"

"Commander I'm also an N7 and a Spectre, not to mention a botic." He said softly.

"I can't risk you Alenko, I need you in the final fight, if you'r einjured –"

He kissed her and gods she wanted to melt into it, wanted to hold him and feel him in her and forget for just another few seconds that they were on a slow march to painful pointless extinction. Instead she pulled away.

"I mean it. You can't stay here, you need to return to your quarters –"

He was doing something she couldn't quite see in the dim cabin light, but gods could she feel it. White lightning of pleasure shot through her body, he wrapped her in his arms and laid her on the bed, throbs of pleasure matching her pulse radiating through her though he'd removed his hand from her body. He knelt over her and looked into her shadowed face.

"I love you Shep, if you'll sleep better alone, fine, I'll bring in a cot but I'm not leaving your side again. Then he did the unseen thing again and she decided to choose pleasure over duty for once.

Then Thessia fell.

Battered, furious, sweating and still bleeding though her armor had her injuries well in hand she marched up to the bridge, Alenko and Vega at her back with Garrus trying to get her to see reason and head to the med bay before plunging into the fray again.

What choice was there? Her armor's metabolic scans showed up on her HUD she knew she was out of danger by the time their shuttle docked with the Normandy, knew she would be fighting fit by the time she reached Joker. She ignored her team and kept going. They had to roll with this punch, get up, ready for the next swing.

Then Joker opened his damn mouth again.

"So, Thessia, huh? I guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now. Too soon?" Jeff said wryly.

Shepard saw red for a moment and nearly tore his head off, "n case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This isn't the time!"

"You see this?" Jeff gestured sharply at an image displayed on his nav screen. Distantly some part of Shepard wondered if he had broken any bones with the vicious gesture." Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!"

She felt sick, a half remembered conversation overheard in Huerta Memorial while checking on Kaidan crashed over her. "So why the jokes?" She asked hoarsely rubbing the back of her neck with an armored glove.

"Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand Batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance - on EARTH! - is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!"

She felt an acute sense of guilt tempered with shame and a surge of love and gratitude for her fearsome helmsman. Her 'Commander Shepard' shields slammed down then and she sighed and said, "I appreciate the thought, Joker. But I'm fine!"

Joker spun in his chair to face her, for a moment she thought he would rise. "The hell you are! You're like half-robot at this point... no offense, EDI... and it's my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave, because you had to come back for me!"

She wanted to kick herself, of course Joker felt like shit about that. He felt things deeply, maybe more so even than someone like Liara who had been socially naïve and an open book to the original Normandy crew. He probably blamed himself for her relationship troubles with Kaidan too. She took a deep breath and a page from Joker's manual of humanoid interaction.

"Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?"

"Yeah, well... I guess that would've looked bad on your report."

She managed to muster a semblance of a grin, "Come on. We've got work to do."

Garrus and Vega met her at the elevator and cheerfully insisted she take the time to stop by Chakwas.

"Hacket and Anderson will wait for your report Commander, if you keel over we're all screwed so make nice and let the nice doctor look at you. Ma'am." Vega said and added the honorific as an afterthought.

"The meathead is right Commander." Garrus said wryly.

So she went willingly and thought long and hard along the way. There had to be a way out of this they couldn't give up on locating the Catalyst yet, for one hiding the Crucible for a new cycle to find and hopefully jumpstart their defense wasn't feasible. The Crucible was simply too massive and difficult to maneuver.j

"We're going back to Horizon." Shepard said as Kaidan joined her in the medbay.

"Shep just…take five minutes okay? Have a meal, Joker already has the Normandy on course." He soothed.

All Shepard could see were the commandos dying like flies, the incredible pain in Joker's eyes as he snapped,_Tiptree_.

"Commander, I must insist that you remain still and try not to become agitated until my tests are complete."

"Doctor my metabolic scans –"

"Are not thorough enough. They are focused solely on your combat ability. I am determining if you are fit for command and how I can help you become so if you're not Commander. I'm no fool I don't intend to bench you. Now, be a good Marine and listen to your doctor." Chakwas said sternly.

"Miranda has traced her sister to Sanctuary on Horizon." Kaidan said trying to distract and calm Shepard.

"I know. Her father is mixed up with the Illusive Man." Shepard sighed. Vega arrived with a tray for Shepard and a glare.

"Lola you gotta eat, this is the best grub available so eat."

"Lieutenant Vega is entirely correct Commander. You need to refuel and rehydrate, we have several hours before we reach Horizon, almost a full day. I am ordering you to get ten hours of rest I'll drug you if I must. Major, I trust you'll notify me if such is needed."

"Yes Ma'am." Kaidan said solemnly.

"Christ, I'm not an invalid!" Shepard shouted snatching up the chest piece for her armor and slamming it home. She felt her tension level drop slightly as the armor settled into place.


	5. A New Purpose

Kaidan reached for her arm, she pulled away and got to her feet. Vega had set the tray down on an unused exam bed and was reaching to steady her. The world spun and the deck rudely leap up and struck her in the face. The world went hazy gray then white and went away altogether.

"Chakwas!" Kaidan shouted and cradled Shepard in his lap. Vega was already removing her armor.

"It's alright Major, I have all her readings here, she's suffered an acute anxiety attack and metabolic cascade event."

"Uh what the hell does that mean?" Vega asked carefully stacking her armor out of the way.

"She hit her wall Mr. Vega. I'm frankly shocked she's lasted so long at this pace without more severe symptoms."

"Will she recover?" Kaidan asked hoarsely.

"Yes, absolutely. I expect she'll be fit and alert by the time we reach Horizon. If it were anyone else I would confine them to bed rest and light duty. But needs must and all that. Get her on to the exam surface please Major." Chakwas sighed. Vega removed the last of her armor leaving her clad only in her thin battle uniform. It resembled spandex but was interlaced with metabolic sensors and microcomputing modules that interfaced with her armor, shunted and filtered body fluids and external contaminants.

"Vega, can you get her gear to the armory for a full check out?"

"On it sir, it'll be ready to rock when she's up." Vega said and spared a worried glance for her.

"Sir, I don't mean to speak out of turn but I think this has been coming since she was locked down in B.C."

"I know." Kaidan sighed and wondered again what might have changed if he had not rejected her all those months ago on Horizon.

Vega left and Kaidan gently removed the uniform and sponged her prone clammy skin. Wiping away stale sweat and half dried blood, days and weeks old bruises peppered her body in a terrible mosaic. They made love mostly in the dim light of her quarters now he knew why. He was familiar with the scars of her flesh but had he seen the bruising…

"We need her to endure doctor, I 'm pretty sure whatever slim chance we have to get out of this lies with her."

"I agree, we're very fortunate to have her."

"She would hate this conversation. For as long as I've known her she's always insisted she's just another Marine, just another alliance grunt."

"Once maybe, but since the Skyllian Blitze she hasn't been 'just' anything."

Kaidan smiled sadly and swapped out the cloth he had been using for a clean one.

"She survived the annihilation of her colony when she was sixteen, she spent weeks dodging Batarians then living completely on her own before an Alliance patrol showed up to investigate the comm silence. She bounced around teen homes for two years and joined the Alliance as soon as possible."

"She's a remarkable person. There's not one member of the Alliance that wouldn't step in front of an reaper for her, pretty sure the Krogans and Turians feel similarly by now."

"Curing the genophage and trying to liberate Palaven won't mean shit if she doesn't recover and we don't find the Catalyst. What good is a functional weapon without munitions?" He sighed and brushed a stray strand of dark hair out of Shepard's face.

"You think the Crucible is a weapon?"

"I'm a soldier shaped hammer Doctor, the reapers are nails, if the Crucible isn't a weapon I don't know what else it could be."

Chakwas had her eyes locked on the readings from her tests during the conversation. She leaned over her patient and connected several leads to her including an I.V. line.

"She should awake in about four hours. She'll be rehydrated and refueled and likely rested but unsteady."

"I'll stay." He said softly and kept working.

Half an hour later Vega returned with a fresh uniform and two trays of chow. It was a bit of a balancing act. Kaidan had mercy and took the trays from the lower ranking man.

"Thought you might need this, though you'd think Lola would have a whole locker of gear in here by now." Vega said wryly.

"She did in the old days." Kaidan said and smiled at the memory of a nearly stolen kiss interrupted by Joker.

"Cerberus redesign eh?"

"Well, to be fair, they did make her way tougher than average." Kaidan said tiredly. He sat with Vega and they ate in silence. Chakwas was still working at her desk, taking notes and running tests.

"I miss Mordin, he had a wonderful touch with biology and comparative xenology." Chakwas sighed.

"That was a seriously brave guy."

"He was a man of powerful principles and deep ethics." Chakwas said softly.

Vega retrieved their trays and left, presumably back to the armory to give Cortez shit. Kaidan carefully redressed Shepard. Her color had improved and her skin was no longer clammy.

"Major, I have to recommend that you get some rest before we reach Horizon as well."

"I will, I have to be sharp enough to watch her back in a firefight. I won't lose sight of that."

"Major, I … I found something during my scans, something I feel you should know about." Chakwas said and carefully sealed the medbay access doors and keyed a privacy command at her terminal.

"EDI if you don't mind, could you give the Major and I a few moments for a private conversation?" Chakwas asked.

"Certainly." EDI replied and the pitch of the Normandy's familiar hum changed.

"You're freaking me out a little bit." Kaidan said with a frown.

"I know the nature of your relationship with the Commander, and in spite of being an Alliance officer, I approve of it. It's been good for both of you and when the entirety of sentience organic life in our galaxy is facing nearly certain extinction certain niceties must be tossed aside in favor of survival and mercy."

He waited patiently for her to get to the point.

"I believe the Commander …. Well, she's pregnant Major."

"Pregnant?" He asked hoarsely. Alliance rations were normally laced with a low level form of non-sex specific birth control to avoid situations exactly like this.

"I thought –"

"You thought correctly, however the Commander's biological makeup is distinctly unique. I believe the cybernetic implants have been filtering the usual chemical from her system as a suspected toxin."

"Does she know?"

"I don't know, I doubt it."

"Did it contribute to her collapse?"

"No, actually, it's not very far along right now Kaidan. Frankly I'm surprised it's endured this long, the levels of stress chemicals in her system are sky high, any other person would likely have absorbed the cells by now."

"What are our options?"

"Please understand Major, under normal circumstances I would never have this conversation with you. I would speak with her and she would speak to you then possibly I would address both of you. However, time is of the essence. In twenty hours we will be in orbit around Horizon and you will both be in combat along with the majority of the crew. So I'm going to present the options now to you and to the Commander as soon as I can."

'"Okay." Kaidan said warily.

"We can do nothing and allow nature to proceed. The fetus will either be reabsorbed, miscarried or develop in to a viable child. We can remove the current cell cluster and freeze it for re-implantation at a later date, either with the Commander or…well. We can also remove it and transplant it in to a suitable volunteer from the crew, I strongly suspect that there will be no shortage of volunteers. However, this course of action is not what I would recommend it would risk permanent damage, the transplant may fail, or the Normandy may be destroyed. It's a very risky procedure for little if any gain. We can also take action now to end the pregnancy."

"I see."

"I'm sorry to drop this on you Major but you both deserve a chance to make a choice."

The forest had her. Mordin's voice rising in the cacophony, humming an accusation, the screams of the Thessian commandoes rose up beyond his voice to join the rippling sibilant chorus. She saw the child ahead of her, heard it giggle as it raced away from her.

She ran in slow motion, felt like she was drowning in ice water or invisible molasses, finally she caught his sleeve with an armored glove and pulled him into her arms.

She opened her eyes with a gasp. Kaidan had taken a chair from the chow area and was asleep in it at her side. She was breathing hard but no sweaty for a change. She felt better than she had in days and guiltily thought of all the skipped meals and days spent running on catnaps.

"Welcome back Commander." Chakwas said warmly.

"Has he eaten?"

"Yes."

"Kaidan." Shepard said and instantly he was awake.

"Go to my – uh go to bed." She said and blushed. Kaidan took her hand and squeezed it warmly.

"Doctor patient patient confidentiality Commander." Chakwas said sagely.

"Commander, we should talk –"

"How far out are we from Horizon?"

"Sixteen hours." EDI said.

"Thanks EDI." Shepard said with a tired but less strained smile than had become her norm.

"Commander, I've discovered something during your exam that you need to be aware of."

Immediately Shepard wondered about heart damage from stress or similar conditions.

"I feel fine –"

"You're pregnant."

Shepard froze and slowly looked at Kaidan.

"It's true." He said warmly, impulsively she leaned down and kissed him hungrily.

"Not to be pushy Commander but –"

Shepard pulled away and Kaidan caught his breath.

"I can't carry her into battle, not Horizon and not to reclaim Earth."

Kaidan squeezed her hand strongly.

"I suspected that would be your concern." Chakwas laid out the options again.

"If we have her removed and …saved. Is there any way we can help protect her if something happens to the Normandy again?"

"Not entirely, I'm sure EDI has some ideas and Engineers Donnelly and Daniels will have a few ideas."

"She's not just ours Kaidan, she's the Normandy's she's…hope."

"EDI, can you quietly enlist Engineers Adamas, Donnelly, and Daniels and yourself for ideas? I don't want this to override your normal duties –"

"It will be an honor Commander." EDI said.

"Can you …secure her now?" Shepard asked her voice shook slightly and Kaidan pulled her into a half hug.

"Yes, immediately Commander. She is my highest priority at this moment." Chakwas said warmly.

So, less than ten minutes later it was done. Kaidan and Shepard returned to her cabin arm in arm.

"Was that fair?" Shepard asked as she slipped out of the uniform and stretched on the bed. Moments later Kaidan joined her.

"Yes, we're giving our child the best possible chance at a future, with that procedure and finding the crucible. This fight has never been so personal."

"It's always been personal Kaidan. From the moment Saren executed Nihlus and set us up."

"What about when I triggered the beacon?"

She pulled him close and breathed in his clean scent.

"If you hadn't done that we wouldn't have even the slightest chance of stopping the reapers and I…I might never have realized what I really felt toward you. Loving you Kaidan, learning from you and your self-discipline…it's saved me and maybe the galaxy. Do you have any idea how often I wanted…want to just shoot the mouthy Krogan in the face rather than talk sense in to him? Can you imagine where we would be right now if I had killed Wrex on Virmire?"

"Shepard –"

"I love you, I don't give a shit about Horizon Kaidan, it's done and gone. We're going to kick the Reaper's teeth in and save this galaxy, not just for ourselves, not just for the Citadel species, the intelligent species that haven't been uplifted yet, the Yahg and all the question mark species…not just because fuck the Reapers and their dumbass bad programming, not just so we can go back to B.C. and rebuild…we're going to stop them for our child's sake Kaidan."

He kissed her hot and hungry, she felt him stir against her body and her breath quickened.

"Are you okay for –"

She flipped him onto his back, pinned his arms over his head with one hand, gripped his jaw with her free hand and kissed him hard enough to almost bruise. He groaned against her and grew harder, she released his jaw and raised her hips enough to guide him into her, he was heavy and hot in her hand. She was still tight and there was a slight pain as he entered. She welcomed it, welcomed the pleasure and pain of being alive.

For a moment they were utterly still faces less than an inch apart, breath mingling, she felt her grip on his wrists fail, his right arm snake around her lower back, then she was on her back, his broad chest looming over her, his smell thick in her nostrils. She wrapped her legs around his hips and he began to grind into her.

Her breath came in short gasps, she climaxed almost immediately but still he strove with her, in her, against her, an inexorable rhythm. Her hips bucked against him matching then complimenting his rhythm. She shuddered against him, sweat slicking their skin as her gasps grew louder, fingers digging in to his back.

He sat up, still holding her until he was kneeling on the bed, her body wrapped around his, his cock still sheathed in her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, kissed him until she had to break the embrace to breathe then braced her heels against the mattress and began her own rhythm. He hissed and she slowed her pace eliciting a pained groan and a sigh from his dry lips. She sped up again, his hands gripped her ass encouraging and assisting her, she shuddered against him again this time he came seconds later, his warmth filling her then spreading over her thighs and his hips as he lowered her to the bed and took over the rhythm.

His strokes were slow and deep now, drawing out the pleasure. Finally he slipped free of her, her hands, strong and calloused from combat and training wrapped around the wet throbbing length of him, stroking and teasing until to her delight he was hard and heavy in her hands again.

"Oh gods." He whispered brokenly as she lowered her head to him. She felt his hips buck as she worked him then he pulled away from her pushed her back into the pillows and slipped into her slick and ready hole. He braced himself over her and this time the rhythm was deep and hard and fast. She gasped and came hard and fast, twice before he went rigid against her, body still, breath caught then a low gasping groan as he filled her again.

He tried to pull free but she stopped him with a kiss.

"Stay in me." She whispered and shifted her hips against him sending a lingering pulse of lazy pleasure, an echo of the last crest through him. He sighed and remained still. They caught their breath, locked in one another's arms, bodies joined.

"That was…"

"Something we need to do again." She laughed and he joined her laughter.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to survive the reapers and save the Galaxy then." He said.


End file.
